Managing Parent-Teen Conflict

-By Megan Grant

As a helpline caller and an upcoming social work practitioner, I have noticed an increase in the number of families facing difficulties with developing and maintaining relationships with or amongst the teens within their household. In this article, I, with the help of a seasoned professional, will provide a guide to help parents navigate having teens at home and address what some would consider a ‘rocky’ or ‘difficult’ relationship.

Why is this happening? 

Parent-to-child conflict is a normal occurrence similar to any other conflict within a given relationship. Many parents or caregivers often wonder why this disconnect happens and where it begins. Parent-to-child conflict can occur for a myriad of reasons and may often change in relation to household communication styles, developmental changes, conflict within the home (parent to parent), and conflict outside the home (peer to peer). Dr. Ballinger, a child psychologist, shares the three most common reasons why teens may become distant from parents. The first thing she identifies is the quest for independence. “Remember that burning desire to carve out your own path, to prove that you were capable of making your own decisions? That’s exactly what your tween or teen is going through right now,” Ballinger says. She continues to explain that this can lead to conflicting needs. “This quest for independence can conflict with their need for security and attachment. Your teen might want to distance themselves to feel more grown-up, but they still need your love and support,” Ballinger continues. Some triggers that Ballinger identifies are need for autonomy, peer influence, and conflicts at home.

What are some ways to aid in parent-to-child conflict?

Child psychologist Dr. McCarthy provides us with some tips on how to aid in building relationships rather than escalating conflicts.

Her first point was to ensure that, as parents, you do not take the conflict personally, even when it feels hard to do so. “Stay calm; remember you are the adult and you set the pace. If you lose your temper, they will too. See conflict as an opportunity for your child to practice independence from you and as part of their healthy development, allow them to negotiate against a healthy backdrop of healthy boundaries,” Dr. McCarthy says.

Her second point was to foster a line of open communication between the parent and child. “Try to keep the lines of communication open, keep checking in with your teenager, and build relationships with them, even if they do not look keen on this. Try to build a connection through the things they like, such as doing things they may want to do. For example, let them choose dinner or cook dinner with you, let them shop with you or have a burger/ice cream (or equivalent) together,” Dr. McCarthy continues.

Her third and final point was to create family meetings where both you and your teenager or teenagers are actively engaging in conversation and collaborating with the decision-making process. “Try holding a family meeting where you can all talk through things that are annoying and also what is working well as an opportunity to chat. End the meeting by doing something nice. For example, a family film, extra device time, or dinner treat. Agree on the rules for the house. This will help them feel respected and part of the household,” Dr. McCarthy points out.

Active tools to utilize the conflict between parent and child

Motivational interviewing is a counseling tool that utilizes open-ended questions, affirmations, reflective listening, and summarization to aid in reducing ambivalence and gaining a better understanding of the individual’s motivations behind actions. Parents can utilize this tool to aid in open communication and prevent isolation and further conflict. 

Why use OARS skills?

The OARS Model includes four basic skills: 

O = Open Questions
A = Affirmations
R = Reflective Listening
S = Summarizing

O = What has worked in the past? How can I help you today?

Avoid asking why questions. Explore, clarify, and gain an understanding of your child’s world. 

A = Use appropriate silence, attentive body posture, and appropriate eye contact.

Maintain a relaxed facial expression and voice tone. Affirm the child’s past decisions, abilities, and healthy behaviors. 

R = Offer the child an opportunity to “hear” their own words, feelings, and behaviors reflected to them.

Reflect the child’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. “You’re feeling _____ because _____.” 

S = A collective summary—”So let’s go over what we have talked about so far.” 

A linking summary—”A minute ago you said you wanted to talk about… Maybe now we can talk about how you might try…”

If you are looking for immediate resources to help with your teens. Please call us at 1-800-843-5437 (1-800-THE-KIDS).

Resources

The OARS Model – Essential Communication Tools

Understanding Why Teens Push Parents Away and How to Rebuild Your Relationship

Parent and teenagers’ conflict: Tips for approaching conflict in a healthy way.